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I want my child to go study abroad

2018-10-17

This question sometimes or often might be on mind of some parents who financially can afford or may not afford but willing to sacrifice all their life savings for their children future.  These actions are obviously quite unselfish on part of parents but in some cases it might not be practical, causes various problems between parents, family and or may cause psychological trauma in children. 
Some children even in very young age since they might have heard about lot of fun things in abroad or attracted by glossy commercial advertisement on TV programs and other places or told by their classmates or friends, then they start pressuring their parents to go abroad to study. Unfortunately, some parents end up giving in to their young, innocent & immature child’s irrational request and send them abroad as young as 15, 14, 13, 10 years old, or even younger.  I heard some parents decided to send their young children since their friend or neighbors did so! 
Ultimately, these children end up being placed in overseas high school dormitories with completely quite different environment / culture in many forms you can imagine.  Some of these children in this condition might developed a sudden life/cultural shock in every form with no parents around and in a foreign unfamiliar land alone and in such a young age had to face everyday life stressors. For emotional development of child no high school dormitory lady supervisor, teacher or aunt or uncle who happens to live in the same town can replace both parent’s important role in child’s life. 
Even some adults might have quite difficulties coping with this changes to adapt with new culture and rapid changes in their lives. I have treated many expat adults coming to see me as well as expat children (even though they came with both of their parents) after coming to China face similar culture shock and developing depression, anxiety, and severe panic attack. Now you can imagine how a young Chinese child sent overseas would cope with all these rapid changes in their life without parents being there for them the least. 
After few days excitement of seeing all glamour things children dreamed about in foreign country, then suddenly comes feeling of loneliness, not being understood or fit in, confused about new classmates with different facial feature, hair color, eye color, habits, behavior, different language, foods with a strange or different taste, communication barrier, and finally feel emotionally and physically being abandoned by their parents in far distance. No any sms, weixin, skype with parents, can replace their consistent parental touch, care, emotional support and comfort. Some parents decide to send the child’s mother or father to accompany the child overseas. Frankly speaking this a small move in the right direction. Children need both parents love of course if they are not divorced or separated. Most of these parents, who might accompany the child, themselves don’t even have good command of the language of the country neither familiar with culture of the country their children are studying at.

I also treated many Chinese children enrolled in Beijing expatriate schools by their parents. These children come with different stories. Some of them were as young as 5 years old, some other suddenly were taken out form local schools and placed in expat schools with almost no foreign language skill, and many other important emotional issues they faced later. 
Interestingly these parents could not even speak a word of foreign language but constantly pressuring and blaming the child for their poor language skill. This is really so selfish and is astonishing! 

These children after going to Expat School for sometimes, they developed different emotional difficulties. Their common problems were language barrier, cultural differences with their foreign classmates, poor self-confidence, depression, anxiety, and behavior problems. Some of them even was told by their foreign teachers that the child having learning disability.  In some cases after I did psychological assessment, I found out it was purely anxiety of fitting in, poor foreign language skill (parents did not even bother to pay attention this important tool of learning!) or other emotional problems studying in unfamiliar school, but had nothing to do with learning disability, which is an important psychological diagnosis! 

By the way after years of living here, I myself due to being busy and lazy did not improve my Chinese reading or writing, does this mean I have learning disability, ‘you must be kidding! ’
Over many years of living in china I see a high rise in number of parents sending their young children abroad especially as more and more parents becoming financially become more prosperous. 
Over many years of treating local and expat children in China, I have treated and currently am treating many Chinese children of  who were sent abroad in very young age or as an adolescent whom not being emotionally prepared to face emotional and other challenges they would face studying abroad. Later some of these children either returned quickly home or after several years as an adolescent or young adults returned to China with a wide range of psychological problems including depression, anxiety, problem with self identity, low self confidence, feeling not being fit in among their Chinese friends, or old classmates, or at work place and some of them even left overseas high school or university before completion.

Actually there is nothing wrong if parents want to take advantage of other countries advanced school or universities to help their children achieve higher education but education alone is not the only measure of success for children. Even though China has many advanced/respected universities teaching topics in many fields. 



Children including adolescents and especially the young ones firstly need emotional nurturance from their parents at least until age 18 when they enter the adulthood stage. If the child has access to such important emotional care and support then they will be ready to face any challenges including getting higher education abroad.  Furthermore, emotional stability also reduces chance for depression or anxiety, which they are all  “anti - good concentration or attention” which are the important tools for learning.

As you might have read in my previous articles, I have mentioned that children achieve their fuller physical i.e. brain development, cognitive ability, emotional maturity, social and psychological development about 18 years of age. Even though brain tends to continue to develop throughout person’s life.  So before age 17 to 18 their brain development and especially psychological maturity and development are not completed. 

Therefore, at younger age children are quite naive, concrete, immature, do not have adult logic and make many irrational/hasty and impulsive decisions. They easily become obsessed about things around them, which looks fun, shiny, glamorous, and cool, etc.  Therefore, can you imagine the consequence of putting child’s future decisions in his hand with its negative physical and emotional consequences?  When I asked many of local patients parents why they sent him or her so young to abroad or enrolled in expatriate schools in China, the answers were different including reasons such as “haizi tai ganxin chu, ta xiang chu,  mei ban fa, tade mam shoa chub a, zhonguo de xuexia bu tai hao, ren tai duo,  tade yeye xiang ta chu ba, and many other reasons.” 

Parents or family having financial ability is not excuse to compromise their children’s future healthy emotion and happiness. As you know according to law in most nations children under 18 should be under supervision and guidance of parents or adults. I suppose partially this law was made since children are not mature or logical enough to take care of themselves and their affairs. Furthermore, their irrational actions, impulsivity, poor judgment sometimes could be dangerous to their own life and health.  
Do you agree with this law? Then parents lead the child to fresh water not child by themselves!
As a parents as you are raising him if found out having emotional or learning difficulties help him the best you can otherwise seek psychological help as soon as possible. Before sending your child abroad also make sure he is emotionally ready for this challenge otherwise don’t rush and seek psychological assessment and help for him before let him go so far with such condition to a foreign land.



Finally, I wan to stress the fact that if you care about his future, then both give him you unconditional love, care, and wisdoms. Teach him about life in every aspect and help him build strong wings till he reaches age 18. Then you can relax and let him to fly using his own wings and face life challenges. At that time if he is emotionally stable he would succeed in higher education no mater how far he goes to achieve his dreams.

If you need my help for psychological assessment of your child (no matter what age) prior to going to abroad and or your child studying overseas having emotional or learning difficulties, you can contact me at ………..
Good luck to you parents and to your child to achieve his dreams when he is in the right age and is ready!

Take care
Dr.Mike